Viewpoint - March 22, 2021

Conference of Idiots In Uyo!

By Usoro Usoro

Idiots, across the country, had a conference recently in Uyo, Akwa Ibom State. They discussed every nonsense under the sun, including the difference between “apu” and “fufu”, words and actions, promises and debts, working-government and walking-government!
Well, I was not invited to the meeting, but I was told the idiots actually spent precious time debating why idiots should be spelt as i-d-i-o-ts!
The reason I wasn’t invited was that my friend, who happens to be the Secretary-General, claimed I was a counterfeit. He claimed only certified and chartered idiots were invited.
He admitted that, well, I qualified/qualify to be called an “idiot”, no doubt. But since Emmanuel was yet to sign my certificate of occupancy (C-of-O) to the prestigious office of an idiot, I was not yet a licensed idiot. Yet, he went ahead to furnish me with details of discussions at the conference. I swear I have the video!
First, he said the choice of Uyo as the host was because Gov Udom Emmanuel willingly identified Akwa Ibom as a state dominated by NAFDAC-certified idiots, way back in 2017. Fact is, the governor had described his critics then as idiots and threatened to unleash the youths on the former. And, oh, the “idiots” who gathered in Uyo recently were members of a group called “Individuals Dying Installmentally of Treatable Stupidity”!
The conference started with the chairman’s remark. Sounded as pointless as Senate President Lawan telling Nigerians from Aso Rock, after fresh fish and tuwo, that the country will change for the better in two weeks. He left his job to usurp Baba’s own. Even an idiot knows how to focus on being an idiot! See confusion!? Yes, the chairman’s speech also sounded as hopeless as Buhari’s empty assurance on security! But the handsome chairman of idiots, who kept smiling at his reflection on the reading stand, spoke on.
CHAIRMAN:
“Being a known idiot is advantageous. No one can blame you too much for being ignorant of anything or everything. And in court, you can plead like a drunkard that you did or spoke any nonsense ‘under the influence’ (of idiots?). Ok, so all idiots in attendance should speak according to their stomach aches. And those with special mouth odour will be excused if they won’t be bold enough to speak up against the societal ills. Since Akwa Ibom has claimed the headquarter of idiots, the analysis and stupid talks should focus mainly on the state”.
As soon as the Chairman stopped, one idiot rose sharply:
IDIOT 1:
Mr Chairman of Idiots, I heard Gov Emmanuel, while visiting his state recently, boasted that he will train 7,000 youths in readiness for a fertilizer and ammonia plant.
My problem is that he forgot to add which specific areas they will be trained. Will the training be done on earth, in heaven or in dreamland? Is this project for real or his usual feel-good boasts? Will it take as short a time as eternity – since Oga governor wants “to be given a little bit of time”. As if anyone set the timeline for him before he made the statement. I hope he’s aware that he has effectively one year left for governance as the other one will be consumed by politics of succession. And, wait! 7,000 kini?
In August 2015, 100 youths went to Israel for training. In 2016, 200 youths were sent on a year of training on power sector development at the National Power Training Institute, Abuja. After the noise, what next? Where are they today? Productively engaged or still roaming the streets?
IDIOT 2:
My friend, shut up and sit down! Who are you to talk to a God-sent governor like that? If you think it’s easy, go and buy the form for 2023, if they will allow you. Do you think it’s easy to keep acquiring loan and accumulating debts for our grandkids? I learned he cried, sorry, “worked” so hard recently to get a fresh N21 bn loan. Sounds like chicken and ice cream! Well, maybe that’s what it is to Udom. Only an idiot like you will demand that Udom Emmanuel should seriously tell us what he does with all these money he’s borrowing. Are you blind? Can’t you see that he’s building a self-contained bedroom for God? Haven’t enjoyed steady power supply from the 21-storey smarty building? Are you not aware that the building is so smart that it thinks for government, provides for the people and smartly warns us often to prepare for more hardship? Check out the Tropicana! Bro Emma just repainted, tinkered with the name and commissioned. That sure costs money, you idiot! Admit it, Udom is working, joor!
IDIOT 3:
Enheeen! You have touched a serious point. The governor keeps singing about “completion agenda”. Please, who’ s agenda is he completing? So far, in this second term, his key projects are, well, white-wash. Forget a few store-houses he built in the first term in the name of factories. Factories that produce only lies and dreams?
You mentioned the Tropicana he rechristened and recommissioned. Did he add any fresh component? Or was it just repainting the shopping malls and renting them out? Hold on, was Tropicana not Akpabio’s project?
Now, they are demolishing houses on Oron Road. With very poor compensation and five days maximum for owners to quit their properties. I heard Udom wants to expand the wide road down to the airport in preparation for take-off of Ibom Deep Seaport in God-knows-when. No problem. Except that Oron Road was Akpabio’s project, or was it not?
Anyway, Udom has boasted he will soon give us a Four Point Hotel in Ikot Ekpene. I suppose he’s talking about furnishing the one Akpabio built, abi?
The airport was Attah’s idea. Akpabio actualized the idea. Now, Emmanuel is trying to expand it with a permanent international wing. My stupid question now is: who’s agenda is Udom Emmanuel completing? His non-existent agenda, Akpabio’s or Attah’s?
IDIOT 4:
Stupid kwueshion, indeed! Who do you ask? Idiot! Don’t you know that Udom is a financial star boy? He’s a Wizkid. Not the musician o. That one sings on top Tiwa. This one sings on top our money! Anyway, how are you sure the gufnor is even “aware” of the poverty and hunger in this state? Is it his fault? Did he cause it? If the president is not aware of anything, how can the gufnor? In fact, the man may not even be aware that a greater chunk of local government allocations ends up in the state coffers with nothing to show for it. He may even be using the money without being “aware” that it belongs to the people. Calm down, joor! You see, whenever the gufnor visits the state these days, he does not spend enough time to be briefed of even his numerous achievements. But trust me, Emmanuel is a smart and active gufnor. That’s why he stops by any brush to inspect tomatoes nurseries to provide quick news and photo ops of his activeness! Soon, the gufnor has promised to inspect rice, cassava, etc plantations. In fact, garri plantation, fufu plantation, soup plantation, crayfish plantation, are to follow, whenever he’s tired of traveling.
IDIOT 5:
One reason I dislike idiots like you is that you dwell too much on rumours. That’s how one of you claimed the other day that Bro Emma is the owner of Globus Bank. The bank started mainly in Lagos and Akwa Ibom in 2019.
To you, the fact that a branch has promptly emerged in ONNA buttresses your claim. How myopic! The story goes that Bro Emma will climb down from the Hill, take refuge in Zenith Bank, then emerge refreshed later to resume a prime place at Globus. Well, for me, time will prove your claims right or wrong! Amen! And God will judge your smelly mouth!
IDIOT 6:
Look here, stop sounding patronizing. Udom won’t even notice you, idiot! You think the man is still keen on loyalists and the successor dream? Didn’t you hear that he cursed the day he started building a political structure? Yes, he did! It happened very recently when he realized that his scheme to hand a hallowed baton to an anointed had been compromised by greed. Oga rewrote the Book of Lamentations, claiming those he trusted had sworn to ‘mbiam’ for only N20,000. Well, in summary, hunger killed loyalty. With no meaningful jobs, no compensatory inter-ministerial projects, no untempered allocation to LGAs thereby truncating the direct benefits to the grassroots, loyalty was sold like Jacob’s right for a spoon of pottage. Oga woke one tragic morning to realize his dream of stage-managing a successor died the previous night of Coro-Coro! So, if you like, praise-sing and lick his boots. The man has learned his lessons. Or has he?
ANOTHER IDIOT
Udom Emmanuel appears to enjoy the sound of his voice. Or he simply believes every idiot is after all, an idiot! Or perhaps, when he wakes some mornings, he looks at his reflection in the mirror, tells himself a big fat dream which he actually believes. Then, he concludes, since he believes himself, everyone else will. I may be an idiot, but I don’t believe all lies! Not even if you garnish it with God’s name. The other day, Emmanuel claimed that very soon, he will open up the economy by giving Akwa Ibom people China Market in Eket. The same market the Chinese, by agreement, were to find 100 percent? David Lawrence, the member representing Eket State Constituency, brought in the Chinese as private investors. As of today, every idiot knows that the Chinese abandoned that job long before COVID-19 lockdown. I may be an idiot, but I am not gullible! Next topic, sorry, lie, please?!
IDIOT 3 AGAIN
Eeenheeeeen! Accuse me, sorry, excuse me, sir! To add to my earlier comment, Emmanuel once promised he will revive Akwa Ibom’s economy with his personal funds. We are still waiting. Or did he bring it in quietly? How much was it? Has he recovered his money now or should we wait for a whistleblower or EFCC?
CHAIRMAN’s CLOSING REMARKS
This one that someone has mentioned EFCC, I think we have to end this meeting before someone petitions that we took too much time to ask idiotic questions. But from what we heard from some idiots, so far, it is clear that some of us still reason.
Yes, personally, I know that I’m a fool. That is my constitutional right! I am an idiot, no need anyone wasting his arsenal or big grammar in my direction. But as idiotic as I may be, I have my doubts. For one, I’ll always doubt a man who only tells us when there is paucity of funds but never reverts with the good news when it appreciates. I will always doubt a man who can’t complete just one flyover in about six years while his colleague in River State built about six within the same period. Akwa Ibom and River States fall within the same bracket of those with the highest monthly allocation. Coro-coro can never be an excuse for governmental failure, then. Now, we can tell the difference between politics and governance! We now know a government that is working in actuality and the one that’s “working” by mouth and on paper! Believe me, we also know a governor who walks away from responsibility and performance! But then, what do I know? After all, I am just an idiot!

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